MATTHEW SWEET WOULD LIKE TO SELL YOU A NASHUA PHOTOCOPIER. FIVE PEOPLE WILL GET THIS JOKE.

NEXT UP, MATTHEW SWEET WOULD LIKE TO SING YOU HIS COVER OF COPPERHEAD ROAD. IN HIS ONLY SHIRT.

LISTEN UP PAWN SHOP GUY, MATTHEW SWEET THINKS MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM EIGHTY BUCKS FOR THE TWO OF THEM, SIXTY IF YOU JUST GIVE HIM THE MONEY NOW OR EVEN FORTY IS ENOUGH CAN HE JUST HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY?

MATTHEW SWEET IS LISTENING INTENTLY TO YOUR QUESTION AND IS RATHER PLEASED YOU DIDN’T MENTION HIS SHIRT. IT WAS A GIFT.

MATTHEW SWEET HOPES YOU LIKE LONG WALKS IN THE WOODS AND THAT YOU AREN’T SCARED OF THE KNIFE HE IS HOLDING.

MATTHEW SWEET IS GOING TO OPEN HIS MOUTH AND YOU WILL SEE THAT THERE’S ANOTHER MOUTH INSIDE JUST LIKE IT ONLY SMALLER.

MATTHEW SWEET WANTS THIS PHOTO SHOOT TO END SO HE CAN GET HIS DOUBLE-DOUBLE ON

MATTHEW SWEET JUST NOTICED YOU ARE HOLDING A CHEESEBURGER